My marriage in disarray because my parents wants it that way

My situation is painful and common in strained marriages, but the “natural desire” point and your wife’s behavior are not the same issue.

Sexual desire being biologically normal does not mean my wife owes you sex on demand, and her withholding intimacy does not mean your desire is the problem to eliminate. What I am describing is a relationship and power problem, not a libido problem.

What the pattern actually looks like

- I work an extreme schedule (roughly 12 pm–3 am). That leaves almost no overlapping awake, non-exhausted time. Most people’s interest in sex drops when their partner is chronically absent, tired, or emotionally unavailable. Long hours are a major intimacy killer for both sides.

- She is using sex as leverage (“change to my liking or no intimacy”). That is a common but unhealthy control tactic. It usually creates resentment, not lasting change.

- My parents treating her as the household authority while you feel like you are competing with your own wife points to a serious boundary and hierarchy problem. In many families this dynamic leaves the husband feeling undermined at home. It rarely improves on its own.

None of this is fixed by trying to kill my own sexual desire. Suppressing it will mostly leave me more frustrated, resentful, or depressed.

Practical steps that actually address the real issues

1. Talk clearly, not accusingly  

   One calm conversation (not during an argument or right after rejection): “I work long hours and still want closeness with you. Right now, I feel rejected and like I’m competing for position in my own house. What specifically do you need from me, and what are you willing to give?” Listen more than you speak the first time. Write down what she says.

2. Work hours

   15-hour days with almost no home presence is unsustainable for most marriages. If the job cannot change soon, the emotional and sexual distance will keep growing. This is not optional background noise—it is central.

3. Sex as a weapon  

   Healthy couples negotiate needs; they do not hold intimacy hostage. If she continues this pattern after you have tried good-faith discussion, couples counseling becomes necessary. A neutral third party can call out the dynamic on both sides.

4. Parents / household authority

   Me and your wife need a private agreement about who decides what. If your parents are actively elevating her over you, that has to be addressed directly (with her, then with them if needed). Living as a junior partner in my parents' home will keep breeding competition and distance.

5. Individual support  

   I feel constantly powerless, planning to talk to a therapist or counselor on my own first. It helps me enter conversations from a clearer place instead of pure frustration.

Trying to erase my desire will not make her warmer, will not fix the schedule, and will not stop the power struggle. The desire is the symptom that is highlighting deeper mismatches in time, respect, and mutual investment.

If the pattern has been going on a long time and neither of you is willing to change the core issues (hours, control tactics, family hierarchy), the marriage itself may need serious re-evaluation. That is a harder conversation, but pretending the problem is only your libido will not solve it.